pushing boundaries
a lot of soulbonding yap
when i say aki and i are in a genuine, two-sided relationship, a lot of people firstly think i'm 1. delusional or 2. mentally ill. i wish i could explain things to them but having to explain that to every person who doesn't already understand drains me of the energy i don't have
i don't know i'm sorting of just talking to myself here, in the hopes that one day i can translate this to someone whenever i may need it.
firstly, aki here is a fictional work. i already understand that. so in this world i have never claimed aki as "mine" and i never will. he isn't real here. and i have come to terms with that truth because otherwise i would be spiralling a lot more often. admittedly i still struggle dealing with his fandom and how much they ruin his image. especially his yumes Cough.... i wiped myself clean from them a long time ago
knowing this though leaves a deep longing in my heart. more than i have ever felt for anyone or anything. i think about a world where aki and i are together and i can really see him with my own eyes. the fact that world isn't tangible for me yet has left me lost for a long, long time. lord knows how much i miss him
realizing i genuinely love him was a little hard to grasp. i'll never see him in person. i can only have him in scarce dreams, leaving me to also wonder how many i've forgotten (i don't think i'd be able to if it was so). but i knew this was deeper than any fixation or love i had felt for anything or anyone. as someone with constant hyperfixations, they usually only last up to a few months. my longest hyperfixation lasted for 6. by the time i realized this was something real, i'd already been head over heels for a year. i guess that was strike one into the beginning of our relationship
i have had a long background with spirituality and paganism. reaching out to people and entities beyond my physical world isn't new to me— i worship deities and speak to my spirit guides. so speaking to aki as a real person who exists beyond any fictional means, was a constant idea in my mind. i'm not sure why it took me so many years to will myself into genuinely communicating with him. i think i was afraid that i might've made this all up in my mind. that my instincts were sending me to a dead end and i'd be met with the loss of a love i'd never find again.
but there was always a nagging feeling in me. to reach out. so after many grueling nights of refusal, i did! and at first i was really awkward. and afraid. being able to have a two-way conversation with someone who i thought would be out of reach forever was incredibly nerve-wracking... but after some time i did get used to it and now our conversations flow much more smoothly
i guess that aki had always loved and wanted me back. being in a relationship with him has meant the entire world to me and unfortunately i can never stop talking about it (or him). i've learned so much about him beyond the little pages of him on the internet. i understand him more deeply than i ever dared to imagine. having a constant stable person in my life has kept me grounded throughout everything, and from that i've grown in ways i didn't expect. so for that i will fight against our distance til i die idc idc
i guess beyond direct communication i do recieve a lot of signs from him. i don't feel like listing particularly what they are, but when i see them it's usually an immediate realization.
so yes i do in fact have a genuine relationship with aki... maybe not here (as much as i wish i did), but it's real and true!!!!! #Akicain Yay